11 Dating Success Tips
For
Single Gay Men
By Brian Rzepczynski
Introduction
One of the developmental tasks of all
adolescents is to establish productive relationships with their
peer group and to understand and manage their sexuality. Dating
provides fertile training ground for these teens for learning
about themselves and how to establish and maintain healthy
intimate relationships as they continue to mature and grow. Due
to growing up in a homophobic society, most gay men as teenagers
had to keep their sexualities hidden for fear of social backlash
and further damage to their already shaky self-images. Some boys
chose to distance themselves completely from dating, while
others chose to date their female peers to more easily "fit in"
and be accepted. For some, there was no other choice for them
but to date girls, while for others it was an attempt to
extinguish their feelings they had for males. Very few gay men
had the luxury of being able to openly date other gay males as
teenagers and to live authentically. Fortunately, today's
generation of gay youth are experiencing slightly more liberal
attitudes and acceptance from their peer group about being gay,
but there's still a long way to go. As a result, many gay men as
adults remain perplexed and confused about how to date other
men. Without training, education, and support, many gay men are
forced to "wing it" as they mingle and mate with other men,
leaving many of them unsatisfied with their dating experiences
and wondering if they'll ever find a loving partner to settle
down with.
What follows is a tips list of things for gay
men to keep in mind as they go about meeting other men in
pursuit of their Mr. Right. Add your own to the list and keep it
handy as a quick-reference guide as you embark upon your dating
adventures to promote greater success in your romantic life.
Dating Success Tips
1. Live your life to the max! Creating a full
life puts you in charge of your own happiness and puts less
emphasis and dependency on finding a relationship to make you
whole. You must be whole as a person first before a healthy
relationship can be cultivated. By developing yourself, those
internal feelings of zest and fulfillment will show on the
outside as well. Very attractive indeed!
2. Know who you are, what your needs and values
are, and what you stand for. This will take you far as you delve
through the dating world. Having a clear vision and purpose will
help to keep you centered and grounded on your quest.
3. Examine your relationship history and
determine what behaviors worked for you and which ones didn’t.
Identify the obstacles that prevent you from engaging in the
kinds of relationships that you want.
4. Don’t confuse chemistry with compatibility.
While that “chemical spark” is important, a person’s enduring
qualities are what really help to lay the foundation for
potential long-term relationship success.
5. Determine if you are really ready for a
relationship and assess your true motives. One of the biggest
relationship “sabotagers” is not being able to be fully present,
being distracted by other needs or issues, and having other
priorities that compete with the relationship. Determine if you
are “dateable” and develop goals to accomplish true relationship
readiness. Develop your self-esteem and create a vision for how
you’d like your life to be.
6. Don’t stay in a dating relationship that’s
not working just for the sake of staving off loneliness or
fearing hurting the other’s feelings. This only robs both of you
of precious time that could be better served improving your
quality of life in new directions. Learn to be assertive and
direct with your needs and feelings.
7. Don’t bail out of a dating relationship at
the first sign of trouble. Relationships take hard work and
conflict is actually a necessary precursor to deeper connection
and intimacy. Assess what’s missing and what the barriers are
and determine if negotiation is possible. There can be no growth
without healthy conflict; however, know the difference between
that and when the relationship really isn’t a “goodness of fit.”
8. Be proactive in getting what you want and
take responsibility for what happens. Conquer your anxieties
about taking initiative. Don’t stand on the sidelines hoping
someone will make contact with you. Make that move yourself and
choose to approach someone if you’re interested. Internalize the
mantra: NO MORE MISSED OPPORTUNITIES!
9. Face your fears of rejection directly. A
turn-down for a date has nothing to do with you as a person; it
has everything to do with the other person’s projections and
needs. Know that you are worthy and deserving.
10. Build your support network. Surround
yourself with positive people who will affirm you and support
you. Family and friends provide a much needed source of
connection, love, and fun that can truly enhance your life as a
single gay man.
11. Be careful of casual sexual encounters if
your goal is to meet a prospective life partner. Typically
sexual release is the primary aim of such encounters, which can
confuse and disillusion you to the type of men available,
believing that gay men only want sex and nothing more
significant or with depth. Put yourself in situations where you
are more likely to meet men with similar goals and if you choose
to “play along the way,” always practice responsible safe sex.
©2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski
Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life
Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: "I work with gay men who are ready
to create a roadmap that will lead them to find and build a
lasting partnership with Mr. Right." To sign up for the FREE Gay
Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips
and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out
current coaching groups, programs, tele-classes, and the
self-help book he co-authored, "A Guide to Getting It: Purpose &
Passion," please visit
www.TheGayLoveCoach.com
Thank you!
brian@thegaylovecoach.com
Single's Guide to Beating
Shyness
By Kelly Jones
First impressions are not only
important, they're lasting -- whether they're accurate or not.
For shy people, making a strong first impression is tough.
Often, shyness is mistaken for indifference or arrogance,
terrible attributes for singles. So how best to beat
bashfulness? Read on...
Confidence is hot. I'm not talking
too-cool-for-school cockiness; I'm talking about letting that
inner self shine and showing other singles what you're all
about. So no more avoiding gazes, no more shying away from new
faces, no more worrying that you'll say the wrong thing at the
wrong time.
First impressions are too important. In fact,
lifetime-lasting snap judgments are made just seconds after
laying eyes on someone. Master a few simple tricks and you'll
have the power to conquer shyness and boldly go where you've
never gone before.
If You Envision It, It Will Come
It's impossible to go from shy to bold in just
one day. It takes practice. Tap into your sanguine side by
simply smiling at someone on the bus or in an elevator. Another
fab technique for boosting confidence and nurturing that gift of
gab is visualization. By playing out all realistic possible
scenarios in your mind beforehand, you are in essence going
through a dry run of the experience. Visualize yourself being
confident and successful, and the real thing will be easy beans.
Let 'Em Judge Your Book by Its Cover
The last thing you want to wear when you're
meeting new people are threads that need adjusting. Fidgeting
makes you look nervous and unprepared. Don something that
highlights your sexiest body parts but doesn't need turning,
unfolding or aligning. Being at ease in your salacious skin
exudes the confident air you seek. Don't forget to stand or sit
up straight (a folded, hunched-over posture signals that you're
closed to people around you), unclasp those hands (instinct
tells us that closed hands hide weapons), and keep both feet
planted on the floor (crossed feet exude an unconfident,
off-balance impression).
Eye for an I
Our animal instincts make eye contact extremely
meaningful. In fact, our peepers are the most demonstrative part
of our body--can you think of one emotion they can't express?
Eye contact may speak louder than words--but beware the message:
staring too long implies aggression, while not long enough
screams insecurity. Remember to avoid over-blinking; Is that a
pookie in your eye, or are you just nervous to see me?
A Room with A View
Walking into a room full of strangers is one of
hardest things for shy people to do. Thankfully there are three
things you can do to give the impression of confidence. First,
fight your instinct to hide under the welcome mat. Instead,
pause just inside the room, smile subtly, and count to three in
your head. As you're standing there, suss out the space. Is
there an empty bar stool or interruptible host? Make eye contact
with the people your baby blues pass over. Finally, put one
Adidas in front of the other and walk toward your chosen target.
But don't skirt the room's edges: walk right straight through
the middle with slow, convincing strides.
Meet Your Match
When greeting someone new, look into their eyes
with a happy, open but not too needy expression. Say their name
when you're introduced. Touch is a powerful tool that breaks
barriers and makes people feel immediately more intimate. So put
out your paw and shake hands. Repeating their name as you do
this not only helps you remember them later on, but it makes
them feel top-drawer and at ease with you. Beware the flimsy
finger grip, the death grip, or the politician's handshake
(using both your hands to sandwich theirs).
Talk the Talk
Two singles spending time in the same place
already share one thing in common--location. So mention
something about your shared environment. Or look for something
about them that you can comment on ("nice boobs" or "too bad
about that bird poo on your jacket" are not good conversational
forays).
Many people scan for quirky tidbits when reading
the news, drawing from a stored cache when there's a lull in the
conversation. And then there's the foolproof method: asking
people about themselves. It not only charms their pants off, it
detracts attention from you, lessening any feelings of shyness.
Listen to their reply and ask a question related to their
answer, rather than spacing out as you try to think of another,
unrelated question.
Having an opinion is sexy, so don't be afraid to
gently disagree with them, and drop in some personal tidbits
without bombarding them with me-me-mes. Once you engage in small
talk a few times a day, it will start to feel more natural and
instinctive, and shyness will fall to the wayside, opening the
door to your brave new world.
Happy hunting!
NORTHEASTMAGAZINE
